Final Post

I've initiated the process to resign from the Peace Corps and return home to the United States.

The Peace Corps was often a disappointing experience. I was able to do good work and am proud to say I made some small difference in the world while I was here. I feel the overwhelming bureaucracy of the Peace Corps and the adverse effects of foreign aid essentially made it impossible for me to realize the potential that this experience could have been.

While here I've fought HIV and AIDS; I designed and oversaw construction of a basketball court with Rebecca Workman; I participated in the planning and running of a camp to develop the Boys of Uganda into positive leaders; I promoted the use of highly efficient mud stoves to reduce fuel cost at my school, I introduced my organization to cost control practices, I taught important life skills to Orphans and Vulnerable children once a week; I advocated for volunteers as a representative of our training class; I developed a new model for communication with Peace Corps Invitees and successfully implemented it.

While here I conversed in a foreign language, I experienced a way of life far different than mine back home, I bathed in a bucket for 18 months, I helped slaughter and cook a delicious pig, I washed my clothes by hand, I made lifelong friends, and I let myself fall in love for the first time in my life.

Yesterday I found that there wasn't a single day left in my scheduled 8 remaining months of Peace Corps that I looked forward to. This experience has nothing left to offer me. I'm proud of what I've done and for the most part in the man I have been while here. I'm glad I'm leaving when I had nothing left worth doing, not when my 2 years happened to be expiring.

I believe this will be my final post. And so...

Mom and Dad, Thank you for the life and love you have given me. If I have done anything good here it is because you raised me into the man I am.

Annie, thank you for all the support and love.

Elaine, the support I received from you and the old team was incredible.

Nick, One of the greatest outcomes of my Peace Corps experience is making friends I intend to know the rest of my life. Can't wait for our future adventures.

Kendall, You were right, it was worth it.

Alexi, We weren't close friends until I really needed one. Thank you.

Matt, Yatzee! I couldn't resist. You better come to a Clemson-UNC game with me.

Drew & Christy, I miss you two already. We've got lots of good times ahead.

Becca, Thanks for taking care of me when I most needed it. I'll see you in America.

Jenny, Knowing you changed my life, I'll never forget you.

A Quick Disclaimer On Texas

I had mixed feelings about the one line from my previous blog post in which I said one of the highs of my week was that I wouldn't have to move to Texas. I'm not going to remove it, but wish I'd thought through how it might be interpreted.

It was intended as dark humor. I think most people who know me well and understood the dynamic of Jenny and my relationship understood that. I think people who know me also are aware how much I needed that humor.

I had the opportunity to spend some time in Texas during the holiday and enjoyed it so much. My only criticism I have ever made of Texas is that it simply is not my home and I find it hard to feel at home there. I don't regret spending Christmas there at all and certainly don't regret having had the pleasure to meet Jenny's family and friends.

Weekend Update: February 4, 2012

Highs:

I don't have to live in Texas. I am blessed with the love of so many lifelong friends, without whom I do not know how I would get by.

Lows:

Jenny broke up with me. My watch band broke. My organization is once again unhappy with my dedication.

What I Did:

Was planning to go to my org's end of month meeting that is held on the last Tuesday of the month. For some reason they decided to have it on January 24 and not tell me. Did some financial analysis and critiquing of my org, telling them things like falsifying flyers and bribing the ministry shouldn't come out of the development fund.

What Is On The Agenda:

I'm participating in a training reform committee this week. Will also try to do some reading before heading back to site and repairing things with my org.

Sanity Meter:

Perhaps the sanest I've been in a long time. A certain clarity comes with retrospecting loss.

What I'm Reading:

Stephen King's The Stand.

This. Nothing more to say. Please watch.

Weekend Update: January 28, 2012

Highs:

Life skills in the village, my org is continuing to use the mud stove we constructed, I've got the latest financial data from the school compiled for our monthly meeting this next Tuesday, and I made it to boys weekend!

Lows:

Misplaced my iPod shuffle charger and had to buy a new one in K'la at a very high premium. Continue to struggle with attention recieved in the village, I'll no doubt be jacking up my iPod volume this upcoming week.

What I Did:

As said lifeskills, and some prep stuff for this upcoming week's business meeting. Now I'm playing black jack and drinking passion fruit and Malibu cocktails.

What Is On The Agenda:

Need to get a letter of recommendation from a departing PC employee, get a communication out from the Bridge Group to the incoming Volunteer 'class', lifeskills Wednesday, Basketball tourney at Becca's site next weekend, also helping her with some Wat San project planning while I am there. And of course... the end of month meeting at my organization!!!

Funny Story Of The Week:

I was jogging when a 20 something year old man sitting on the side of the road (Ugandans do this a lot) called out 'Muzungu' to me. I've garnered a bit of a reputation lately for not putting up with people calling me a 'muzungu' for their own entertainment. So I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to this punk who promptly got up and ran into the banana trees. A few miles later, on my return I run by the same spot and another gentleman calls out 'muzungu' behind me. I turn to find a man about my age standing in the middle of the road making boxing gestures at me, about 20 yards away. I walk about 10 yards from him, and take off my sunglasses, causing him to retreat. He then begins his gestures once again from a safe 20 yards. I make a similar gesture, putting my fists up in a defensive position. He starts walking in slowly to me, and I close in on him. At about 10 feet away we pause. A crowd has started to form. I take one step in closer and he once again runs away in retreat. I hold my two fists above my head like Rocky. The crowd is cheering 'Muzungu, Muzungu.' For the first time in a while it doesn't bother me.

Sanity Meter:

Sanity is extremely variable these days. I'd be lying if I said my only confrontations with people while running came with adults. The constant attention drives me nuts, yall know that by now. But I've made a point of really taking advantage of my time away, and getting away on a more frequent basis.

What I'm Reading:

Finished Michael Lewis's Liar's Poker and I hope to finish C.S. Lewis's The Silver Chair on my ride back to site. I'm going to try to knock out Machiavelli's The Prince, which I stalled on a while back, before I go into Stephen King's The Stand.

Focusing On The Positive

I doubt my blog is going to be used by Peace Corps recruiters anytime in the near future to convince potential volunteers of how rewarding the experience of Peace Corps is. Obviously my blog has been a downer lately, and it should be, because it is my primary means of communication with my world back home, and I have been struggling lately. I write what I feel, that is important to me. Even when I feel mostly frustrated with being here there are moments, however, and reflections that are truly rewarding, I've had a few of those this last week, and I feel they also need to be shared.

I live a very comfortable life here. I have much more than I need, and much much more than the local people have. It is amazing living off of about 2-3 USD per day (we are actually paid 5-10 but in the village I rarely spend more than 2 a day).

I like the fact that I've been washing my own clothes by hand for the past year plus. It is rough on the hands, tiresome, and not always fun, but it is somehow rewarding to me to live without the benefit of machines to perform basic tasks. It isn't something I would ever want to do in the US, but I value having had the opportunity to live in a different way.

This is Africa. (TIA) We say this when we don't have much of an explanation for why things are so back assward here. Walking from my village trading center to my home the other day I paused to look around. African children were playing, women in traditional African dresses were walking to the village, a man was farming his small plot of land by hand using very basic tools, goats were everywhere, and there are no paved roads within miles. When you deal with it every day the experience sometimes becomes more of an annoyance than a reward. I'm certainly not going to claim that I feel the experience makes it worth it or that overall I enjoy the experience, but moments like the one I observed do sometimes bring a smile to my face. So few people will have the opportunity to live like I have lived the past year. The experience, if not wonderful, is surely incredible, and not even I can dismiss the value of having lived in an incredible way for an extended time period.

If nothing else, I think being in Africa has confirmed once again what my passion is in life. I am never happier in this country than when I am teaching. Even though I have to use an inefficient translator and 90% of the students just stare at me blankly, I love every second I am actually teaching a lesson.

'Going All Ryan Luckie' On Uganda

To my regular readers it shouldn't come as any surprise to hear the statement, 'my sanity is questionable right now.' As a result I'm taking every opportunity to get out of my community that I can. It is also inspiring me to celebrate the few opportunities I have to be myself. I've had the opportunity to 'go all Ryan Luckie' a bit this year and doing so is probably one of the few things keeping me from going over edge. I'd like to take this opportunity to document two of the 'lapses in sanity' or 'moments of pure genius' (debatable) I've recently had.

I believe I documented a while back (although I'm not sure) about how my rolex (egg wrapped in chapati bread) guy one day tried to charge me an extra 100 shillings (about 4 cents) for my rolex one night. The result was that I wen't to his competitor the next evening, and the next 6 months that I ate rolex. Well his competitor had a new trainee up one night since I've been back that tried to charge me the increased rate. As with last time, I paid it, but have not been back to that rolex stand since. I've returned to the first guy who burned me to determine if this was now the village standard price or if he had learned his lesson. I can proudly say that I've taught a very important lesson to the rolex businesses in Nakyenyi about customer loyalty. The young entrepreneur, seeing his chance to capture a significant and steady share of the rolex market in Nakyenyi wen't back to the original price, and has been my rolex guy ever since. It seems crazy and perhaps insignificant to document this to such a degree, but it is perhaps one of my biggest victories in this country. We are supposed be creating a greater understanding of American culture among Ugandans. I've had volunteers tell me after befriending locals that the locals attempt to charge them more money because "you will give me more because you are now my friend." I've taught people in my village the lesson that I don't care what new circumstances they have at home, I don't care if they are short on cash and they need a little boost, and I don't care if you and I chat every now and then and you now consider me your friend. When their is competition and little differentiation between products price is king, and my customer loyalty has a memory of 1 sale, the last sale. One of the rolex guys in town lost my business and I did not say a word to him for 6 months after a price hike, the beneficiary of that mistake then threw away his lock on me as a client. We'll see if my new prefered vendor has learned anything over the next 6 months.

I also had a great 'Ryan Luckie' moment in a taxi today. A mutatu is a 15 passenger van. I was in a mutatu today with 26 people. I had my backpack and was perfectly comfortable, not because I am now used to traveling in a mutatu, but because I've had it with mutatu conductors and just wasn't taking any BS today. It is illegal to have more than 14 passengers in a mutatu. Drivers typically pull over a mile before a police check and have a motor cycle or several take excess passengers around the check point. Our car did that today but it wasn't necessary on my bench. In the second backseat row of the mutatu (typically a more crowded one) I was asked to extend when we already had 3 people. A 20 minute standoff and screaming fest insued between me and the conductor in which I just kept falling back on my position, 'THIS IS MY SEAT! I PAID FOR THIS SEAT!' When my conductor tried to jam people in the front back seat and then position himself in the back with me I put my chaco to his torso and physically push/kicked him out of the car. He tried to kick me out of the car after we had been driving for over an hour but I refused to pay him a single shilling for the journey thus far. We had a verbal contract for my transport to my town and I was not backing down. It is overdramatised and doesn't sound impresive on the blog I know, but it remains perhaps one of the greatest lessons I can teach Ugandans. They are the customer, they are in charge. Why anyone ever let a conductor put another passenger on their lap without the cost of the journey changing baffles me. I'm taking it one step further. I negotiate a price and I will not accept anything less than my fair share of the legal capacity of the vehicle. Whether the conductor intended to sit 4 in a row when he negotiated the price isn't my concern, he's the one breaking the law, and his car says 14 passenger limit on the side. I look forward to scuffles over this in the future. I'd love to get thrown in a Ugandan jail for not paying my taxi fair one day just to make my case. Until then I'll be inspiring Ugandans, 13-25 passengers at a time.

Weekend Update: January 21, 2012

Highs:

Good chicken masala, my org is using the mud stove we built, and Peace Corps has approved my out of site plans for the next couple weeks.

Lows:

I'm on the verge of snapping and becoming violent with village children. This week they took to actively teasing me for their own enjoyment. Every child in my village knows to call me 'ssebo' (sir) and not 'muzungu' (white traveler). On my way to dinner one night a group of children ran into their home and started taunting "muzungu, muzungu."

The next day after running 7 miles I decided to walk the last mile and a half of my loop. A child called me 'muzungu' and then said 'okoyee' meaning, "you are tired!" I leered at him and walked on. He waited until I was out of his immediate vicinity and then ran out in the road an started shouting "okoyee" at the top of his lungs.

I don't know how much longer I can make it here. I hate the people. If I could have gotten my hands on that boy I honestly don't know what I would have done. I find myself having violent fantasies. My primary method of relieving stress is running and now it is more stressful and mentally painful for me to run than to sit inside. I find myself leaving my house less and less since I got back. I think I'm a worse man for having been here and that the Peace Corps has cost me all of the good within me that inspired me to join it.

Rhetorical Question:

Almost everywhere we go in this country has vermouth, but nobody knows how to make a martini. If you try to explain what a martini is to a Ugandan they get confused and usually bring you a shot of Martini and Rossi vermouth. The question I ask is who is drinking the straight vermouth? (I'm assuming nobody) And then why does every single place have vermouth?

What I Did:

Essentially hid in my home and poked my head out every now and then to see if my org was using the mud stove.

What Is On The Agenda:

I resume life skills next week and plan to do some work on a proposed water sanitation project.

Next weekend is my much needed boys' weekend with Nick and Drew. It is becoming very clear that many such excursions will be neccessary to get me through the next 6-9 months.

Ugandan Annoyance of the Week:

Timid waitors an waitresses. The ability to look someone in the eye and project their voice more than 3 inches is not a requirement to be in the Ugandan food service industry. I've decided I've had it. From now on the more timid they are the more boastful I will be until they reach an acceptable volume. I frequent places that cater to white people and pay a premium on the menu to be there, I've decided one of the things I am paying for by doing so is a level of service that would recieve a 10% tip in the US, not someone whispering to me while looking at the floor and then brining me something other than what I'd ordered because one of the ingredients was "finished" (out).

What I'm Reading:

Read Michael Lewis's Moneyball a second time and am now reading both Liar's Poker (Michael Lewis's first book) and C.S. Lewis's The Silver Chair.

Funny Story From America

Here is my best attempt to duplicate an actual encounter that took place one of my last days in America this Christmas holiday.

The Scene: Jenny and I are at Target picking up supplies for watching a bowl game that evening. We are walking down the chips aisle as another middle aged couple is walking down the same aisle from the other direction.

Lucky: What type of chips do you want to get?

Jenny: Whatever you want.

Lucky: Well, chips are more important to you than they are too me.

Jenny: Yeah, but your a picky chips snob.

[Woman from the other couple begins giggling uncontrollably and ducks in behind her man as Jenny and myself are meeting them in the aisle]

Man From Other Couple (to Lucky): Get used to it, brother, it doesn't stop.

Although I don't remember the next interaction with quite as much detail we ended up in checkout with the same couple and Jenny thought it necessary to mock my South Carolina driver's license when I was carded, setting off a similar reaction with the woman and soliciting another exclamation of empathy from the gentleman.

The Beginning of the End

I arrived back at my site to find that the nozzle on the rainwater capture tank outside of my home had broken off sometime in the last month and been replaced with a plastic bag and a rope. I guess I need to start trying to fix my filtration system since I am going to be going back to manually pumping brown water from the water table 200 feet below.

There are a bunch of new baby goats at site, that is kind of fun.

Jet lag has had a funny effect on me and I'm sleeping a lot during the day, something usually very hard for me. It may be partially because I don't have anything really going at site right now and I just don't want to be seen by my organization if I can avoid it. I've been sleeping 5-8 hours a day through goats, a tree with about a thousand birds in it, Ugandans arguing, and baby's crying. I don't think Jenny has ever been so proud of me.

My aversion to going outside has had both positive and negative impacts. I've finished the last 200 pages of Atlas Shrugged and Tina Fey's Bossypants since I've been back. On a less positive note my avoidance of contact with Ugandans has left me surviving almost completely off of the reserves of American food I brought back with me.

I feel something very different than I did last time I came back from America. I still had some hope of turning this thing around back then, now I'm just kind of running out the clock. Peace Corps reminds me more of a prison sentence than a job these days. I've pretty much decided that I will resign in July. I don't anticipate returning to my site after COS conference. I've got some things I want to do with my organization between now and then, I've got some responsibilities at the PC office that I'm excited about, but overall my tank is just getting too empty. I don't think Peace Corps is all bad, although there are days when I plot the destruction of the entire agency. I just don't think I have the heart for development work, and I don't enjoy people enough to take positives out of the cultural exchange aspect. I'm not just going to sit in my cell... sorry... house (although there are bars on the windows) and wait the time out, but I am counting the days. I hope I use the last couple hundred here to do something worthwhile, if not at least I've got this rocking flying monkey from Laura and her family, it is sure to provide some decent entertainment down the final stretch.

The Insomniac Sleeps

If my first year and a few months in Uganda were marked by insomnia, which I would say they were, then my final 9 months is off to a very different pattern.

After getting to my site and then going to bed at a normal hour the first night I found myself needing a nap around 3:30 or 4 in the afternoon the next day, I slept till 8, then was up until 4, then slept until 10 am, then got up and made breakfast, and then slept until 5 pm today.

I am feeling a little sick, with sore lymph nodes and mouth, so getting up doesn't really seem that appealing and I guess my body can use the rest. Plus my appetite just isn't there right now and I'm struggling to stay hydrated as it is. Hoping for a recovery in the next few days.

Power just went out after being mostly consistent since I've been back. I'll try to get an America themed post up tomorrow.

I'm Back

I'm now back in the village after a month mostly not at site. America was wonderful and I can't thank the Luckie and Everett families enough for such a wonderful Christmas holiday.

I arrived back at site to find that spiders had over-run my place, that I'd lost my phone in transit, that I'd come down with a cold while traveling, and that my site now had a rooster that can't tell time. (I actually didn't figure that one out until 4:30 this morning)

I'll try to put together a post about America stuff up in the next few days.